Donald Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Don
By E. K. Deutsch
Today I woke up with a smile on my kisser and a bounce in my gitalong, and I have Donald Trump to thank, not just because it’s a good day for me when I wake up and realize The Donald isn’t President, or even the GOP nominee.
I used to spend way too much time fretting about the future and not enough being (forgive the cliché), “in the moment”. In these very uncertain times (whether uncertain by nature or by the instantaneous flow of information and “ain’t it awful” media), focus and worry directed toward the future is a monumental frittering of energy. Worry about retirement? Why bother? Hardly anyone has socked enough away to retire to one of those amber-tinted communities with perennially smiling, unnaturally vigorous and beautiful “active seniors”. Global warming? Not much we can do about it, we’re a click away from the point of no return on that one. ISIS? Porous borders? Nukes? Rampant racism? Living in a country with a dissolving center?
Baaaaah. Waste of precious time. It’s time to fiddle while Rome burns, and who better to lead us down the burning path than dear ol’ Donald. We’re already halfway toward being a steamed New England dinner for the “eccentric billionaire”. We went into the pot kicking and screaming, but over time, as the water got hotter and we got wearier, well, we just gave up. Now we’re at the point where we realize it’s probably too late to stop him, we’re protesting weakly, but oh, that water, it feels so good, I’m so……tired….
So, how bad would it be with The Donald at the helm? Why, we’d be endlessly entertained as we watch him alienate us from all International alliances, except perhaps his friend Vlad. We’d snuggle on our divans with our hunnies as we watch him further divide the American people into “us” and “them”, or in Donald-speak “my people” vs. “the rest of you losers who don’t like me”. We could gossip and roll our eyes and feel connected to our fellow losers, like a concentration camp with WiFi and Hot Pockets.
But, perhaps it’s true he’s not the second coming of Hitler, and all his crude, bigoted, misogynistic statements are a ruse, a ploy to capitalize on fear, racism and feelings of decline, and in the end he’s really a moderate Republican, or even, dare I say it, a Blue Dog Democrat. How wonderful! See? Nothing to worry about. Oh, except for that pesky trust thing, but after all, lying, or “spin”, is de rigeur for politicians. We know it’s asking too much to have a President we can actually trust, admire and follow faithfully. We had that already, we want something different. We want The Don, our very own Wrestlemania, damn the torpedoes, say whatever is on his fevered brain Don.
But what if, by some miracle, The Donald isn’t the nominee? Why worry? Cruz, Rubio, even Carson – any Republican in the current roster will be entertaining as all get out. We’ll chuckle as we watch them swear they’ll repeal Obamacare, fill Scalia’s empty chair with a hawk, pump up our already bloated military and bring Christianity back where it belongs, front and center in the governmental process. Throw that Redenbacher’s into the micro, it’s time for The Real Republicans of D.C.! Just in time, we were getting sick of Survivor and Pawn Stars.
One more reason why I love the Don. I used to take America for granted. I used to think patriotism was corny and hackneyed. Now, when our country is poised to undergo perhaps the most difficult, divisive, nasty and important election of our time, I realize how much I love the United States of America, how much I want to protect and care for our hard-won freedoms, and how much I want to contribute to this brilliant, complicated, amazing work-in-progress.
Thank you Donald. You’ve opened my eyes. And you’re really, really orange.
2/22/16
