Coronary Trumposis – The Search for a Cure
By E. K. Deutsch
It starts with a twinge here and there, and the usual denial. “It’s nothing, it will pass”. Symptoms slowly intensify over weeks, sometimes months, until there is no doubt.
You’re suffering from Coronary Trumposis.
A similar malady appeared in 2008 and was dubbed Palinitis. Its symptoms resembled Trumposis, but were demonstrably milder and of limited duration. Both diseases are highly contagious, and are most often contracted through media outlets, Facebook and Twitter. Unfortunately, coughing into your elbow doesn’t work here, as the disease is spread via air waves over long distances, and this particular political virus multiplies rapidly, often within minutes. It can also be contracted via newsprint, but this transmission is increasingly rare.
Symptoms may include:
- CNN Ambivalence, an obsessive-compulsive disorder characterized by repeated vows to abstain from CNN, only to turn obsessively to it several times daily while praying the red-headed candidate won’t burst forth, lower teeth jutting, brows beetling and hands gesticulating wildly, which leads to the following reactions:
- Incoherent tics and obscenities, similar to Tourette’s Syndrome, often accompanied by widened eyes, elevated blood pressure and respiration, uncoordinated body movements, upturned middle fingers directed toward the offending electronic hardware, and a tendency to scream “Fuck you, you motherfucking asshole fucking jerkwad of a motherfucking bastard!!! Fuck you!!! Fuuuuuuuuuck Yeeeeeewwwwww!”
(This symptom is particularly distressing to family members, especially when children and grandparents are visiting, and it may be wise to quarantine the victim in a distant room, preferably without electronic media, until guests have left the premises.)
2. Catastrophic thinking, often accompanied by depression. The victim becomes convinced that if the red-headed candidate assumes the mantle of full and absolute power, the streets will run red with the blood of goose stepping Trump Zombies mowing down Resistance Fighters in a conflagration that will make the streets of Aleppo look like Disney World;
3. Repeated visits to Canadian Zillow.com in a desperate search for pleasant, affordable housing outside the Militarized Zone.
Researchers are unfamiliar with this powerful strain of Virus Politicus, as this is its first appearance in the United States, and they don’t expect a vaccine to be available for up to 8 years. According to Lillian Osgood McIlhenny, M.D. and Director of the Center for Political Disease Control, “The only treatment thus far is complete avoidance of all media outlets, social and otherwise, until the virus runs its course through the population, but this treatment has very low compliance.”
Maybe if we hide the remote….how about a massive power failure…a nice solar flare perhaps, or rogue cyber attack on the grid?
Oh, Kim Jong-un, where are you when we need you?
2/15/16
